Negotiation Principles
- Negotiation is required, not optional—no matter experience level
- Both/all parties have equal say in what happens
- Nothing is too small to discuss if it matters to you
- Negotiation can continue throughout a relationship
- You can renegotiate at any time as needs change
Negotiation is the foundation of consensual BDSM. It's the conversation (or conversations) where you and your partner(s) discuss what will happen, establish boundaries, create safety protocols, and align expectations.
This checklist ensures you cover all essential topics. Use it as a starting point—adapt it to your specific needs and situation.
When to Negotiate
Negotiate before every new partnership. Renegotiate when trying new activities, after significant experiences, or when needs change. Even established partners should have periodic check-ins.
Safety Essentials
These items are non-negotiable for every scene:
Safe Words & Signals
- Verbal safe word for stop (common: "Red")
- Verbal safe word for slow/check-in (common: "Yellow")
- Non-verbal signal if gagged or unable to speak
- Safe signal if restrained (e.g., dropping an object)
- What "Green" or continuing means
Emergency Protocols
- Location of safety shears
- First aid kit location
- Phone accessible for emergencies
- Who to contact in emergency
- Any specific emergency procedures needed
Activities & Limits
Planned Activities
- What specific activities will we do?
- What's the desired intensity level?
- Are there activities to try if time/energy allows?
- What tools/equipment will be used?
- Approximate duration?
Hard Limits
Activities that are absolutely off the table
- Each person's hard limits clearly stated
- Body parts that are off-limits
- Activities never to be attempted
- Words/phrases not to use
- Scenarios to avoid
Soft Limits
Activities to approach with caution or under specific conditions
- Activities curious about but not ready for
- Things only okay under certain conditions
- Activities requiring specific mood/context
- Things to work up to gradually
The Limits Spectrum
Never okay, no exceptions
Maybe with conditions
Want to try carefully
Enthusiastic about this
Communication During Play
Check-in Methods
- How often will you check in?
- What does "Green/Yellow/Red" mean specifically?
- How to communicate when verbal is difficult?
- Non-verbal cues to watch for
Indicators to Watch
- Signs that indicate needing to pause
- Physical responses that require attention
- Emotional signals to watch for
- How to handle spacing out or going nonverbal
Physical Considerations
Health & Medical
- Any medical conditions to be aware of
- Medications that might affect play
- Allergies (latex, materials, etc.)
- Recent injuries or surgeries
- Chronic pain or mobility issues
- History of fainting or blood pressure issues
Physical Restrictions
- Positions to avoid or limit
- Duration limits for bondage
- Circulation or breathing concerns
- Joint or flexibility limitations
- Sensory sensitivities
Sexual Health (if applicable)
- STI testing and status
- Barrier methods to use
- What sexual contact is/isn't included
- Contraception (if relevant)
Emotional Considerations
Emotional Triggers
- Topics, words, or scenarios that may trigger
- Past experiences to be mindful of
- Signs of emotional distress to watch for
- What to do if triggered during play
Psychological Elements
- Level of humiliation/degradation (if any)
- Praise vs. criticism dynamics
- Roleplay boundaries
- How to handle unexpected emotions
Relationship Context
- What this experience means to each person
- Expectations about the relationship
- Privacy and discretion expectations
- What happens after (contact, relationship)
Logistics
Time & Place
- Where will the scene take place?
- When will it start?
- Time limits or constraints?
- Privacy considerations?
Equipment & Supplies
- Who provides what equipment?
- Are toys/equipment clean and in good condition?
- Supplies for aftercare?
- Water and snacks available?
Practical Matters
- What to wear/bring?
- Transportation arrangements?
- Anyone else present (for safety)?
- Check-in with friend (when/how)?
Aftercare Planning
Immediate Aftercare
- What physical care is needed? (blankets, water, food)
- What emotional support is needed? (talking, silence, cuddling)
- How long should aftercare last?
- Who provides aftercare to whom?
Follow-Up
- When will you check in afterward?
- How to reach each other if needed?
- When to discuss/debrief the experience?
- What if drop occurs in the following days?
Don't Skip Aftercare Planning
Many people don't realize they need aftercare until they don't get it. Planning ahead ensures everyone is supported, even if you feel fine in the moment.
Quick Reference Summary
Before Every Scene
- Safe words and signals confirmed
- Activities and limits reviewed
- Health/physical considerations shared
- Emergency protocols in place
- Aftercare plan made
Communication Checklist
- How will we check in?
- What signals indicate pause/stop?
- How to communicate non-verbally?
- What does each signal mean?
Safety Checklist
- Safety shears accessible
- First aid kit available
- Phone within reach
- Emergency contact known
- Time limits for bondage
Aftercare Checklist
- Water and snacks ready
- Blankets/comfort items available
- Time allocated for recovery
- Follow-up check-in scheduled
Make It Your Own
This checklist is a starting point. Add items specific to your activities, remove what doesn't apply, and create a version that works for your needs. The goal is thoroughness, not completing every item.