Understanding Consent
The FRIES Model of Consent
Consent must be:
- Freely Given Without pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If someone feels obligated, it's not consent.
- Reversible Anyone can change their mind at any time. Previous consent doesn't guarantee future consent.
- Informed Partners understand what they're agreeing to. Hidden surprises or "switching things up" without discussion isn't consent.
- Enthusiastic "Maybe" is not "yes." Look for active participation and genuine desire, not just absence of "no."
- Specific Saying yes to one thing doesn't mean yes to everything. Each activity needs its own consent.
Consent Is Ongoing
Consent isn't a one-time checkbox—it's a continuous conversation. Throughout
any experience, check in regularly. Body language matters, but so does verbal
confirmation. A partner going quiet or stiff may be signaling discomfort even
if they haven't said "stop."
Tip: Build check-ins naturally into play. "How does this feel?"
"Do you want more or less?" "What do you need right now?" These questions show
care and create space for honest answers.
Substances and Consent
Alcohol and drugs impair judgment and the ability to give meaningful consent.
This applies to both partners. If either person is intoxicated:
- Negotiate boundaries when sober, before any substances are involved
- Don't introduce new activities while impaired
- Understand that legal definitions of consent vary—impaired consent may not be valid consent
- When in doubt, wait until everyone is sober
Power Dynamics and Consent
Even in D/s dynamics where power exchange is part of the play, consent must
remain paramount. The submissive partner always retains ultimate authority
over their own body and wellbeing. Dominance is granted, never taken.
Important: Anyone who tells you that "true submission"
means giving up your right to safewords, limits, or consent is practicing
abuse, not kink. Run from these individuals.