Consent 101

What Is Consent?

At its core, consent is a clear, enthusiastic agreement to engage in a specific activity. It's not the absence of "no"—it's the presence of an active, informed "yes."

In intimate contexts, especially those involving power exchange or intensity, consent becomes even more critical. It's the foundation that transforms activities from potentially harmful to deeply meaningful and connecting.

The FRIES Model of Consent

FRIES is a helpful acronym that captures the essential elements of meaningful consent. All five elements must be present for consent to be valid.

Consent Is Ongoing

Consent isn't a one-time checkbox at the beginning of an encounter. It's a continuous conversation that happens throughout any intimate experience.

Why Ongoing Consent Matters

• Bodies and minds change during experiences
• What felt good initially might become overwhelming
• New information might emerge that changes someone's comfort level
• Headspace, arousal, and energy fluctuate throughout play

Natural Check-In Phrases

Build these into your play without breaking the flow:

Verbal & Non-Verbal Consent

The Importance of Explicit Verbal Consent

While non-verbal cues are important to read, explicit verbal consent removes ambiguity. Especially when exploring new territory, hearing a clear "yes" (or "no") is essential.

Establishing Safe Words

Safe words are pre-agreed signals that mean "stop" or "slow down." They're especially important in scenarios where "no" or "stop" might be part of the play.

Non-Verbal Safe Signals

When verbal communication isn't possible (gags, intense headspace, primal play), establish clear physical signals:

• Hand squeezes: 1 = okay, 2 = yellow, 3 = red
• Dropping an object: Holding something visible; dropping it means stop
• Tapping out: Three clear taps on partner or surface
• Specific gestures: Pre-agreed hand signals

Consent in Power Dynamics

D/s (Dominance/submission) relationships involve a consensual exchange of power—but the key word is always "consensual." The submissive partner never truly gives up their autonomy; they choose to grant authority within negotiated boundaries.

Consent Framework for Power Exchange

1. Negotiate thoroughly when both partners are in a neutral headspace
2. Establish clear limits—both hard (never) and soft (maybe with discussion)
3. Agree on safe words that work for your dynamic
4. Define the scope of the power exchange (when does it apply?)
5. Plan for aftercare and debriefing
6. Schedule regular check-ins outside of play to reassess

Substances & Consent

Alcohol and drugs impair judgment, perception, and the ability to give meaningful consent. This applies to both partners in any encounter.

Key Principles

• Negotiate sober: Have all important conversations about limits and desires when everyone is clear-headed
• Don't introduce new activities: If substances are involved, stick to activities you've done before and discussed while sober
• Understand impairment: Someone who is intoxicated cannot give valid consent, legally or ethically
• When in doubt, wait: If you're unsure about someone's state, that's your answer—wait until everyone is sober

When Things Go Wrong

Even with the best intentions, consent can be violated or boundaries can be crossed. Here's how to handle these situations.

If Your Consent Was Violated

• Your feelings are valid. Whatever you're experiencing is a legitimate response
• It's not your fault. Even if you didn't say "no" loudly enough, clearly enough, or soon enough—the responsibility lies with the person who didn't ensure consent
• You don't owe anyone forgiveness. Processing takes time and may or may not include reconciliation
• Seek support. Talk to trusted friends, a therapist, or a crisis line

If You Violated Someone's Consent

• Stop immediately when you realize what happened
• Apologize genuinely without making excuses or centering your own feelings
• Give them space if they need it
• Reflect seriously on what led to the violation
• Make concrete changes to prevent it from happening again
• Consider professional help to understand your behavior

Practicing Consent Daily

Consent isn't just for intimate encounters—it's a practice that can improve all your relationships. The more you practice in everyday situations, the more natural it becomes.

Everyday Consent Practices

• Ask before hugging friends, even close ones
• Check in before sharing someone's personal information
• Respect when someone says they don't want to talk about something
• Ask before taking or posting photos of others
• Accept "no" gracefully without pushing for explanation

Conversation Starters

Use these to practice having consent conversations with partners:

• "What does consent look like to you in this context?"
• "How do you prefer to communicate when something isn't working?"
• "What are your absolute limits we should know about?"
• "How can I check in with you in a way that feels natural?"
• "What helps you feel safe expressing when you want to stop?"