Key Principles
- Vetting is a safety practice, not a sign of distrust
- Anyone who pressures you to skip vetting is a red flag
- Both parties should vet—this applies equally to all roles
- Take your time; rushing increases risk
- Trust your instincts throughout the process
Vetting is the process of evaluating a potential partner before engaging in BDSM activities. It's how you gather information, verify claims, assess compatibility, and build the trust necessary for vulnerable experiences.
Thorough vetting isn't paranoia—it's responsible risk management. BDSM involves physical and emotional vulnerability. Taking time to evaluate potential partners protects you and demonstrates that you value your own safety.
Vetting Goes Both Ways
You should expect to be vetted as well. A partner who doesn't show interest in vetting you may not take safety as seriously as they should. Good vetting is mutual.
What to Evaluate
Effective vetting covers multiple dimensions:
Safety Practices
- How they approach risk and safety
- Knowledge of relevant safety protocols
- Experience with activities of interest
- How they've handled problems in the past
- Their approach to safe words and limits
Communication Style
- How they handle disagreement
- Willingness to discuss boundaries
- Response to your questions and concerns
- Clarity and honesty in communication
- How they talk about past partners/experiences
Character & Values
- How they treat people generally
- Ethical framework and values
- How they handle stress or frustration
- Accountability when things go wrong
- Consistency between words and actions
Compatibility
- Aligned interests and desires
- Compatible communication styles
- Matching expectations about the dynamic
- Similar values around consent and ethics
- Logistical compatibility (location, availability)
Online Vetting
If you meet someone online, your vetting process starts there:
Profile Review
- How long has the profile existed? New profiles warrant extra caution
- Is the profile filled out thoughtfully?
- Do they have community connections or friends?
- What do their posts/interactions reveal about their character?
- Are there any public warnings or concerns about them?
Initial Communication
- Do they respect boundaries in messages?
- Are they pushy about meeting or playing quickly?
- Do they ask about your interests and limits?
- How do they respond to your questions?
- Is there consistency in what they share?
Verification Steps
- Video call before meeting in person
- Exchange social media (optional but useful)
- Verify their identity matches their claims
- Look for them in community spaces or events
- Search their username/info for any concerns
Red Flags Online
Refusing video calls, pushing for immediate private meetings, claiming extensive experience with no community presence, or pressuring you to skip verification steps are all significant warning signs.
First In-Person Meetings
Your first face-to-face meeting should be in a public place with no expectation of play:
Location
- Always meet in a public place first
- Coffee shops, restaurants, or munches are ideal
- Never agree to private locations for first meetings
- Meet somewhere you're comfortable and can leave easily
Safety Measures
- Tell a friend where you'll be and when
- Set up check-in times during the meeting
- Have your own transportation
- Don't leave drinks unattended
- Trust your gut if something feels off
What to Observe
- How do they treat service staff?
- Do their in-person mannerisms match online?
- Do they respect your time and boundaries?
- Are they pressuring you toward private time?
- How do they handle you saying "no" to anything?
Progressive Meeting Approach
Public Meeting
Coffee, lunch, or munch. Casual conversation, getting to know each other.
Second Public Meeting
Continue building rapport. Deeper conversations about interests and expectations.
Kink Discussions
Detailed negotiation of activities, limits, and safety protocols.
Light Initial Play
Low-risk activities in a safe environment with all safety measures in place.
Checking References
References from past partners or community members can provide valuable insight:
How to Ask for References
"Do you have anyone who can speak to their character and safety practices?"
"Would you be comfortable sharing contact info for someone you've played with?"
A good potential partner understands why this matters and won't be offended.
Questions to Ask References
- How long have you known this person?
- In what capacity have you interacted with them?
- How do they handle boundaries and safe words?
- Have you ever seen them in conflict? How did they handle it?
- Is there anything you think I should know?
- Would you feel safe recommending them to a friend?
What References Can't Tell You
- How they'll be specifically with you
- Everything about their past
- Experiences they may have hidden
- Future behavior with certainty
References are one data point, not a guarantee of safety.
No References?
New community members may not have references yet. This isn't automatically disqualifying—extra caution, slower progression, and attention to other vetting factors become more important.
Questions to Ask
Thoughtful questions reveal character, values, and compatibility:
About Their Experience
- "How long have you been practicing BDSM?"
- "How did you learn about the activities you're interested in?"
- "What's your approach to learning new skills?"
- "Can you walk me through how you'd approach [specific activity]?"
- "What's the most challenging situation you've navigated in a scene?"
About Safety
- "What safe word system do you prefer?"
- "How do you handle it when someone uses their safe word?"
- "What safety equipment do you always have available?"
- "How do you approach aftercare?"
- "What would you do if something went wrong in a scene?"
About Past Experiences
- "Can you tell me about your last dynamic? How did it end?"
- "Have you ever had a scene go wrong? What happened?"
- "How do you handle disagreements with partners?"
- "What have you learned from past relationships?"
About Values
- "What does consent mean to you?"
- "How do you define healthy BDSM dynamics?"
- "What's your approach to negotiation?"
- "What are your hard limits, and why?"
- "How do you handle it when you make a mistake?"
Listen For
Green Flags
- Thoughtful, detailed answers
- Taking responsibility for past mistakes
- Asking you questions too
- Acknowledging uncertainty or limits of knowledge
- Prioritizing your comfort in answers
Concerning Signs
- Vague or evasive answers
- Blaming all exes or past partners
- Dismissing your questions
- Claiming to have no limits
- Overconfidence or claims of perfection
Verifying Claims
Trust but verify. Here's how to check what potential partners tell you:
Experience Claims
- Ask specific technical questions about claimed skills
- Request demonstrations of safety knowledge
- Look for community presence matching claimed experience
- Note if descriptions stay consistent over time
- Check if they can explain the "why" behind techniques
Identity Verification
- Video calls confirm photos are real
- Social media cross-references their story
- Meeting in public confirms identity
- Professional details can be loosely verified
Community Standing
- Ask trusted community members (discreetly)
- Check if they attend events/munches they claim to
- Look for their presence in community discussions
- Note if established members vouch for them
When Stories Don't Match
Inconsistencies between what someone tells you and what you can verify deserve attention. People misremember details, but patterns of inconsistency are concerning. Ask directly about discrepancies—their response is telling.
Vetting Timeline
There's no universal timeline, but rushing is always risky:
Too Fast (Days)
Moving from first contact to play within days doesn't allow adequate vetting. Even if the person seems ideal, this pace increases risk significantly.
Reasonable (Weeks to Months)
For many people, taking several weeks to months between first contact and first play provides time for adequate vetting, multiple conversations, and building genuine trust.
Your Pace
The "right" timeline is whatever allows you to feel genuinely confident—not pressured—about proceeding. Some people need longer. That's valid.
Factors That Affect Pace
- Risk of activities: Higher-risk activities warrant longer vetting
- Your experience: Newer practitioners may benefit from more time
- Their community presence: More established partners may vet faster
- Reference quality: Strong references can accelerate trust
- Your comfort: Your readiness is the ultimate arbiter
Trusting the Process
It's Not Personal
Thorough vetting isn't about distrusting someone specifically—it's about responsible practice. Good partners understand and appreciate this.
Trust Your Gut
If something feels off despite "checking all the boxes," pay attention. Your instincts are processing information your conscious mind may not have articulated yet.
Stay Grounded
NRE (New Relationship Energy) and attraction can cloud judgment. Maintain your vetting standards even when you're excited about someone.
Right to Walk Away
At any point in the vetting process, you can decide someone isn't right for you. You don't need to justify this decision or give it more time.
Before You Play: Final Checklist
- I've met this person in public at least once
- I've verified their identity to my satisfaction
- I've spoken with references or community members
- I've had detailed negotiation conversations
- I understand their safety practices
- I've observed how they handle boundaries
- A trusted friend knows where I'll be
- I genuinely feel ready, not pressured
- I have a way to leave if needed
Vetting Doesn't End
Initial vetting gets you to the first scene. Ongoing observation continues from there. Early experiences should be lower-risk while you continue to learn about each other.